ambrose bierce quotes

Absentee, n.:
A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove
himself from the sphere of exaction.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Labor, n.:
One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as
when it is thrust into the affairs of another, from which
some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is
devoid of the sense of smell.

-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

optimist, n.:
A proponent of the belief that black is white.

A pessimist asked God for relief.
"Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God.
"No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that
would justify them."
"The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked
something -- the mortality of the optimist."
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Adore, v.:
To venerate expectantly.

-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is thrust
into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have drawn the
inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell
-- Ambrose Bierce, American writer

"There is nothing new under the sun, but there are lots of old things
we don't know yet."
-Ambrose Bierce

Alone, adj.:
In bad company.

-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Alliance, n.:
In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot
separately plunder a third.

-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

brain, n:
The apparatus with which we think that we think.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can
easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed
and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession)
upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was
without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based
on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court
was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and
sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches,
human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.

-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary, 'patriotism' is defined as the last resort
of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior
lexicographer, I beg to submit that it is the first.

-- Ambrose Bierce, American writer

Distress, n.:
A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.

-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

In our civilization, and under our republican form of
government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is
rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

A man is known by the company he organizes.
-- Ambrose Bierce

Ambidextrous, adj.:
Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.

-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Infancy, n.:
The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven
lies about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon
afterward.

-- Ambrose Bierce

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence
is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,
and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Telephone, n.:
An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages
of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
-- Ambrose Bierce