codehappy quotes

HEADACHES
Joe was successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by terrible headaches. When his love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. He finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. The doctor said, "The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition that causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed, but eventually decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear—it was a miracle. Joe realized he could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see—size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." The suit fit perfectly. Then the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe said, "Sure!" The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see—34 sleeve, and 16 and a half neck." Joe said, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." The shirt fit perfectly. The salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure!" The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see—nine and a half wide." "How did you know?" "It's my job." Joe was feeling great when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe said, "Sure!" The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see—size 36." Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head and said, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"

Woody: What's happening, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: The question is, Woody, why is it happening to me?
-- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 1

Woody: What's going down, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: My cheeks on this barstool.
-- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2

Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer?
Norm: Well, okay, Woody, but be sure to stop me at one. ...
Eh, make that one-thirty.
-- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2

WHO LIKES IT MORE?
A man and a woman were having drinks and got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with it?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this. When your ear itches and you put your finger in it, and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better—Your ear or your finger?"

The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
-- Peer

LOTTERY WINNER
A wife comes home from work with a new fur coat. Her husband says, "Hey, how did you get this?" She says that her boss won the lotto and this is her share. This happens a few times—first she gets the coat, then new jewelry, then a new car. One night the wife comes home tired and asks her husband to run her bath, which he does—but he only fills it up an inch. She gets in and says to him, "Why did you put in so little water?" "Well, we don't want your lotto ticket getting wet now do we?"

THE PROCESSION
A man noticed an unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull dog on a leash. Behind him were 200 men walking single file. The man could no longer stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" The man replied, "Well that first hearse is for my wife." "What happened to her?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. "Can I borrow the dog?" "Get in line."

The solution of this problem is trivial and is left as an exercise for
the reader.

AROUND THE FARM
Grandpa was showing Little Johnny around the farm. When they came to the corral, he explained, "That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her." A little later on, he said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her, too." That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?" Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "If he does I'm eating a hamburger!"

The rule on staying alive as a forcaster is to give 'em a number or
give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.

-- Jane Bryant Quinn

The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and
tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will
have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy... neither its pipes nor
its theories will hold water.

Recent research has tended to show that the Abominable No-Man
is being replaced by the Prohibitive Procrastinator.
-- C.N. Parkinson

The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number or
give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.
-- Jane Bryant Quinn

The reason that every major university maintains a department of
mathematics is that it's cheaper than institutionalizing all those people.

Wonderful day. Your hangover just makes it seem terrible.

The rate at which a disease spreads through a corn field is a precise
measurement of the speed of blight.

The purpose of Physics 7A is to make the engineers realize that they're
not perfect, and to make the rest of the people realize that they're not
engineers.

The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks
Which practically conceal its sex.
I think it clever of the turtle
In such a fix to be so fertile.

-- Ogden Nash

Why on earth do people buy old bottles of wine when they can get a
fresh one for a quarter of the price?

The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated by the fact that, when
exposed to the same atmosphere, bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.

Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?