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Related Tags mark ardis, elbert hubbard, seventh chromosome, being told, oliver herford, cerebus, bitty machines, j mccabe, michael jackson, thomas k connellan, see also computer, goodstein, marcel marceau, jim warner, joan of arc

Software, n.:
Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.

Cursor, n.:
One whose program will not run.
-- Robb Russon

Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply and divide at the same time.

Wilcox's Law:
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

Bureaucrat, n.:
A person who cuts red tape sideways.
-- J. McCabe

brain, n:
The apparatus with which we think that we think.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

A musician, an artist, an architect:
the man or woman who is not one of these is not a Christian.
-- William Blake

The five rules of Socialism:
(1) Don't think.
(2) If you do think, don't speak.
(3) If you think and speak, don't write.
(4) If you think, speak and write, don't sign.
(5) If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised.
-- being told in Poland, 1987

Worst Month of the Year:
February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if
you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you
don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
-- Steve Rubenstein

T-shirt of the Day:
Head for the Mountains
-- courtesy Anheuser-Busch beer

Followup T-shirt of the Day (on the same scenic background):
If you liked the mountains, head for the Busch!
-- courtesy someone else

Newlan's Truism:
An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the
government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

Eagleson's Law:
Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more
months, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson
is an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.)

Coronation, n.:
The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible
signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Chicken Soup:
An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin,
cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup
can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"

Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
have handled this?"

Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing:
August. The lift lines are the shortest, though.
-- Steve Rubenstein

sunset, n.:
Pronounced atmospheric scattering of shorter wavelengths,
resulting in selective transmission below 650 nanometers with
progressively reducing solar elevation.

one who tells an unpleasant truth.
-- Oliver Herford

teamwork, n.:
Having someone to blame.

Magnocartic, adj.:
Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts.
-- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"

Cinemuck, n.:
The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which
covers the floors of movie theaters.
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"

Swahili, n.:
The language used by the National Enquirer to print their retractions.
-- Johnny Hart

"I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent."

The Third Law of Photography:
If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of
the dark leaks out.

Technicality, n.:
In an English court a man named Home was tried for slander in having
accused a neighbor of murder. His exact words were: "Sir Thomas Holt
hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the head, so that one
side of his head fell on one shoulder and the other side upon the
other shoulder." The defendant was acquitted by instruction of the
court, the learned judges holding that the words did not charge murder,
for they did not affirm the death of the cook, that being only an
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

TCP/IP Slang Glossary, #1:

Gong, n: Medieval term for privy, or what pased for them in that era.
Today used whimsically to describe the aftermath of a bogon attack. Think
of our community as the Galapagos of the English language.

“Vogons may read you bad poetry, but bogons make you study obsolete RFCs.”
-- Dave Mills

sushi, n.:
When that-which-may-still-be-alive is put on top of rice and
strapped on with electrical tape.

Everyone says that having power is a great responsibility. This is
a lot of bunk. Responsibility is when someone can blame you if something
goes wrong. When you have power you are surrounded by people whose job it
is to take the blame for your mistakes. If they're smart, that is.
-- Cerebus, "On Governing"

Adler's Distinction:
Language is all that separates us from the lower animals,
and from the bureaucrats.

I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down,
then I thought 'One of us is in real trouble'.
-- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash