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Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.


Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
vividly manifests their lack of progress.


Arbitrary systems, pl.n.:
Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing
general can be said."


Afternoon, n.:
That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.


Abstainer, n.:
A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a
pleasure.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"


Boling's postulate:
If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.


Blutarsky's Axiom:
Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason.


Applause, n:
The echo of a platitude from the mouth of a fool.
-- Ambrose Bierce


Blore's Razor:
Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier.


Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation:
The judge's jokes are always funny.


Appendix:
A portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use.


Advertising Rule:
In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the
reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly,
that it is curable.


Bizoos, n.:
The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a basketball.
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"


aphorism, n.:
A concise, clever statement.
afterism, n.:
A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.
-- James Alexander Thom


bit, n:
A unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color
refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25
cent, or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years ago.


birth, n:
The first and direst of all disasters.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"


Aphasia:
Loss of speech in social scientists when asked
at parties, "But of what use is your research?"


Adult, n.:
One old enough to know better.


Absentee, n.:
A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove
himself from the sphere of exaction.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"


Bipolar, adj.:
Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo, New York.


Bing's Rule:
Don't try to stem the tide -- move the beach.


Antonym, n.:
The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.


Binary, adj.:
Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.


Bilbo's First Law:
You cannot count friends that are all packed up in barrels.


Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
corner of the workshop.

Corollary:
On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
your toes.


Bierman's Laws of Contracts:
(1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's".
(2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's".
(3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's".


beta test, v:
To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's
sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three.
In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanos.


Anthony's Law of Force:
Don't force it; get a larger hammer.


Bershere's Formula for Failure:
There are only two kinds of people who fail: those who
listen to nobody... and those who listen to everybody.


Benson's Dogma:
ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit.