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Cynic, n.:
One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.


Data, n.:
An accrual of straws on the backs of theories.


Data, n.:
Computerspeak for "information". Properly pronounced
the way Bostonians pronounce the word for a female child.


Davis' Law of Traffic Density:
The density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to
1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time.


Davis's Dictum:
Problems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves.


Dawn, n.:
The time when men of reason go to bed.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"


Clay's Conclusion:
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.


Clarke's Conclusion:
Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing.


clairvoyant, n.:
A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that
which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"


default, n.:
[Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you,
mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity. "Nothing will
come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear.
-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"


Andrea's Admonition:
Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you.
If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you,
it isn't and he can.


Deja vu:
French., already seen; unoriginal; trite.
Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
something actually being encountered for the first time.
Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
something actually being encountered for the first time.


Beauty:
What's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand.


Dentist, n.:
A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls
coins out of one's pockets.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"


Christmas:
A day set apart by some as a time for turkey, presents, cranberry
salads, family get-togethers; for others, noted as having the best
response time of the entire year.


Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.


Beauty, n.:
The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
-- Ambrose Bierce


Chism's Law of Completion:
The amount of time required to complete a government project is
precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.


Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84:
The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request
for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will
cheerfully baste you.
-- Chicago Reader 5/28/82


Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36:
Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn headgear
where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer".
-- Chicago Reader 3/27/81


Battle, n.:
A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that
will not yield to the tongue.
-- Ambrose Bierce


Bathquake, n.:
The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water
faucet is turned on to a certain point.
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"


ADA:
Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop
an ADA awareness.
-- "Datamation", January 15, 1984


Cheops' Law:
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.


Chemicals, n.:
Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.


BASIC, n.:
A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in
that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.


Cheit's Lament:
If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you--
the next time he's in need.


Chef, n.:
Any cook who swears in French.


Basic Definitions of Science:
If it's green or wiggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.


Ambiguity:
Telling the truth when you don't mean to.