holygrail quotes

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

[wailing]
FATHER: Well, this is the main hall. We're going to have all this knocked
through, and made into one big, uh, living room.
RANDOM: There he is!
FATHER: Oh, bloody hell.
LAUNCELOT: Ha-ha! etc.
FATHER: Hold it, hold it! Please!
LAUNCELOT: Sorry, sorry. See what I mean, I just get carried away. I really
must -- sorry, sorry! Sorry, everyone.
RANDOM: He's killed the best man!
[yelling]

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

GIRLS: Hello.
GALAHAD: Oh--
VARIOUS GIRLS: Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.
Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.
GALAHAD: Zoot!
DINGO: No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.
GALAHAD: Oh, well, excuse me, I--
DINGO: Where are you going?

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

ARTHUR: Nee!
BEDEMIR: Noo! Noo!
ARTHUR: No, no, no, no -- it's not that, it's 'nee'.
BEDEMIR: Noo!
ARTHUR: No, no -- 'nee'. You're not doing it properly.
BEDEMIR: Noo! Nee!
ARTHUR: That's it, that's it, you've got it.
ARTHUR and BEDEMIR: Nee! Nee!

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

CUSTOMER: Well, when is your next round?
MORTICIAN: Thursday.
DEAD PERSON: I think I'll go for a walk.
CUSTOMER: You're not fooling anyone y'know. Look, isn't there something you
can do?
DEAD PERSON: I feel happy... I feel happy.
[whop]
CUSTOMER: Ah, thanks very much.
MORTICIAN: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
CUSTOMER: Right.

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

PIGLET: Try to relax.
GALAHAD: Are you sure that's necessary?
PIGLET: We must examine you.
GALAHAD: There's nothing wrong with that!
PIGLET: Please -- we are doctors.
GALAHAD: Get off the bed! I am sworn to chastity!
PIGLET: Back to your bed!
GALAHAD: Torment me no longer! I have seen the Grail!
PIGLET: There's no grail here.
GALAHAD: I have seen it, I have seen it. I have seen--

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

ARTHUR: Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! 'Tis one of the
sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him! Brother Maynard! Bring
up the Holy Hand Grenade!
[singing]
How does it, uh... how does it work?
LAUNCELOT: I know not, my liege.
ARTHUR: Consult the Book of Armaments!
MAYNARD: Armaments, Chapter Two, Verses Nine to Twenty-One.
BROTHER: "And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'Oh,
Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine
enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and
people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies,
and orang-utangs, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large --"
MAYNARD: Skip a bit, Brother.

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

FATHER: Hold it, please! Hold it! This is Sir Launcelot from the gorge of
Camelot -- a very brave and influential knight, and my special guest
here today.
LAUNCELOT: Hello.
RANDOM: He killed my auntie!
[yelling]

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

ARTHUR: There! Look!
LAUNCELOT: What does it say?
GALAHAD: What language is that?
ARTHUR: Brother Maynard, you're our scholar!
MAYNARD: It's Aramaic!
GALAHAD: Of course! Joseph of Aramathea!
LAUNCELOT: Course!
ARTHUR: What does it say, Brother?
MAYNARD: It reads, 'Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Aramathea.
He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Grail in the
Castle of aaaaarrrrrrggghhh'.

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

FATHER: Right?
GUARD #1: Right, we'll stay here until you get back.
FATHER: And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave.
GUARD #1: What?
FATHER: Make sure 'e doesn't leave.
GUARD #1: The Prince?
FATHER: Yes, make sure 'e doesn't leave.
GUARD #1: Oh, yes, of course. I thought you meant him. Y'know, it seemed a
bit daft, me havin' to guard him when he's a guard.
FATHER: Is that clear?
GUARD #2: Hic!
GUARD #1: Oh, quite clear, no problems.

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

ROGER: Are you saying 'nee' to that old woman?
ARTHUR: Um, yes.
ROGER: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can `nee' at will to
old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing is sacred.
Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable
economic stress at this period in history.
ARTHUR: Did you say `shrubberies'?

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

BEDEMIR: And that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped.
ARTHUR: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedemir. Explain again how sheeps'
bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
BEDEMIR: Oh, certainly, sir.

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.
ARTHUR: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir knight, but I must cross this
bridge.
BLACK KNIGHT: Then you shall die.
ARTHUR: I command you as King of the Britons to stand aside!
BLACK KNIGHT: I move for no man.

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

Pictures for Schools, take 8.
DIRECTOR: Action!
NARRATOR: Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened King Arthur.
The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by surprise,
and Arthur became convinced that a new strategy was required if the
quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought to a successful
conclusion. Arthur, having consulted his closest knights, decided
that they should separate, and search for the Grail individually.
Now, this is what they did--
[clop clop]
[An unknown knight rides in and stabs the narrator]
WOMAN: Greg!

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

ROGER: Yes, shrubberies are my trade -- I am a shrubber. My name is Roger the
Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.
BEDEMIR: Nee!
ARTHUR: No! No, no, no! No!

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

VILLAGER #2: Wood!
BEDEMIR: So, why do witches burn?
[pause]
VILLAGER #3: B--... 'cause they're made of wood...?
BEDEMIR: Good!
CROWD: Oh yeah, yeah...
BEDEMIR: So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?
VILLAGER #1: Build a bridge out of her.
BEDEMIR: Aah, but can you not also build bridges out of stone?
VILLAGER #2: Oh, yeah.

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

VILLAGER #1: She has got a wart.
BEDEMIR: What makes you think she is a witch?
VILLAGER #3: Well, she turned me into a newt.
BEDEMIR: A newt?
VILLAGER #3: I got better.
VILLAGER #2: Burn her anyway!

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

BEDEMIR: Does wood sink in water?
VILLAGER #1: No, no.
VILLAGER #2: It floats! It floats!
VILLAGER #1: Throw her into the pond!
CROWD: The pond!
BEDEMIR: What also floats in water?
VILLAGER #1: Bread!
VILLAGER #2: Apples!
VILLAGER #3: Very small rocks!
VILLAGER #1: Cider!
VILLAGER #2: Great gravy!
VILLAGER #1: Cherries!
VILLAGER #2: Mud!
VILLAGER #3: Churches -- churches!
VILLAGER #2: Lead -- lead!
ARTHUR: A duck.
CROWD: Oooh.

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

ROBIN: Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?
ARTHUR: Oh, shut up and go and change your armour.
GALAHAD: Let us taunt it! It may become so cross that it will make a mistake.
ARTHUR: Like what?
GALAHAD: Have we got bows?
ARTHUR: No.
LAUNCELOT: We have the Holy Hand Grenade.

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

[squeak squeak]
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! etc.
KNIGHTS: Run away! Run away!
TIM: Haw haw haw. Haw haw haw. Haw haw.
ARTHUR: Right. How many did we lose?
LAUNCELOT: Gawain.
GALAHAD: Hector.
ARTHUR: And Bors. That's five.
GALAHAD: Three, sir.
ARTHUR: Three. Three. And we'd better not risk another frontal assault, that
rabbit's dynamite.

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

TIM: Look!
[squeak]
BORS: Aaaugh!
[chord]
ARTHUR: Jesus Christ!
TIM: I warned you!
ROBIN: I peed again!
TIM: I warned you! But did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't
you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well, it's always
the same, I always--
ARTHUR: Oh, shut up!
TIM: --But do they listen to me?--
ARTHUR: Right!
TIM: -Oh, no--
KNIGHTS: Charge!