humorix misc quotes

"Microsoft is the epitome of innovation and product quality."

-- This testimonial paid for by Microsoft.

Windows 95 is crash compatible with Windows 1.0, 2.x, and 3.x.

Windows NT encountered the following error: The operation completed
successfully.

-- From a Slashdot.org post

Yes... I feel your pain... but as a former first poster (I scored mine a
couple months ago) I know what you went through. Here's where you screwed
up though... YOU DIDN'T PULL THE TRIGGER. You didn't carpe diem.

Yep... When I saw that nice clean article with no posts I didn't hesitate,
yes the adrenaline was surging... my palms were wet, heart pounding. I was
standing at the peak of greatness... I knew I had but one thing to do,
there was no turning back now... I rapidly typed in a one word post.. then
with no hesitation I navigated my mouse over the submit button... and
WHAM.. seconds later I was looking at my feeble post with a #1 attached to
the header. At that mmoment I knew a feeling that only few will ever
know... I was at one with Slashdot... Zen masters and Kings will relate
I'm sure. That one sweet moment when the ying and the yang converge...
bliss... eternal bliss... ahhh!

Then I smoked a cigarette and went to bed.

-- Anonymous Coward, in response to a "First Post!" that clearly wasn't.

Linus was the instructor of Hercules in music, but having one day reproved
his pupil rather harshly, he roused the anger of Hercules, who struck him
with his lyre and killed him.

-- Bulfinch's Mythology

The gates in my computer are AND, OR and NOT; they are not Bill.

Shell to DOS... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...

Certain things are too horrible to auction on the Web.
Consider that eBay recently halted auctions on:

Human Remains
Human Parts
Humans
Microsoft Products

Pretty soon they're gonna ban sales on pentagrams and demon-summoning
paraphenalia.

Is there anywhere on the web where it's still safe to sell Evil Things?

-- From a Slashdot.org post in response to eBay voiding auctions
of legitimate second-hand Microsoft products

Type cat vmlinuz > /dev/audio to hear the Voice of God.

"Nobody will ever need more than 640k RAM!" -- Bill Gates, 1981
"Windows 95 needs at least 8 MB RAM." -- Bill Gates, 1996
"Nobody will ever need Windows 95." -- logical conclusion

Statements recently seen on Slashdot:

"The Internet interprets advertising as damage and routes around it."

"Accept risk. Accept responsibility. Put a lawyer out of business."

"A beowulf cluster of Cisco routers? Isn't that the Internet?"

"Geeks aren't interested in politics because government doesn't double its
efficiency and speed once every 18 months."

"Windows 98 hasn't crashed for me once in over a year, either. Oh, wait, I
haven't booted it in over a year."

"For more than 4 generations the IT Professionals were the guardians of
quality and stability in software. Before the dark times. Before
Microsoft..."

"You can tell how desperate they are by counting the number of times
they say 'innovate' in their press releases."

What If Bill Gates Was a Stand-Up Comedian?

1. None of his jokes would be funny.
2. Subliminal message hyping Microsoft and Windows 98 would be inserted
throughout his performance.
3. The audio system (running Windows NT) would always crash right before Bill
got to a punch line. At that time one of the managers would announce,
"Please hold tight while we diagnose this intermittent issue."
4. Tickets for Bill's show would be handed out for free in an attempt to
attract customers away from Netscape's shows.
5. Industry pundits would call Bill's show "innovative" and would ask "Why
doesn't IBM have a stand-up routine? This is exactly why OS/2 is failing in
the market."
6. Bill's show would be called "ActiveHumor 98"
7. In a perfect imitation of his Windows 95 OS, Bill wouldn't be able to tell
a joke and walk around at the same time.
8. Audience members would have to sign a License Agreement in which one of the
terms is "I agree never to watch Linus Torvalds' show, 'GNU/Humorux'".
9. All audience members would receive a free CD of Internet Explorer 4.0, with
FakeJava(R) and ActiveHex(tm) technology.
10. Bill Gates would appear on Saturday Night Live, causing ratings to drop
even further.

If at first you don't succeed, work for Microsoft.

What are YOU doing to oppose the Microsoft Juggernaut?

I used to be interested in Windows NT, but the more I see of it the more
it looks like traditional Windows with a stabler kernel. I don't find
anything technically interesting there. In my opinion MS is a lot better
at making money than it is at making good operating systems.

-- Linus Torvalds

MS-DOS didn't get as bad as it is overnight -- it took over ten years
of careful development

The word "Windows" is a word out of an old dialect of the Apaches. It
means: "White man staring through glass-screen onto an hourglass..."

The memory management in Windows 95 can be used to frighten small children.

Linux: The choice of a GNU generation

Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world revolve around him.
A: None. He declares Darkness(tm) the new industry standard.