oneliners quotes

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities
or politicians.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkey's and apes?

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up
with her crap.

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy!

Whiskey was invented so the Irish wouldn't rule the world.

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.

Sex is evil, evil is sin, sins are forgiven, so sex is in!

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the
'Y' becomes silent.

Be Naughty! Save Santa the trip.

It's not an optical illusion it just looks like one.

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to
play chess.

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go
to lunch or to a movie?

Inflation is when you find that your nest egg won't even make an omelet.

I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die!