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pratchett quotes

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AFPer: Terry, what the heck was going on at the end of Strata? I've just
re-read the ending *again* and come up with another possible explanation
which takes the total number into double figures.

TP: See? Other people would just have given you one or two. Amazing value,
I think.

3) I don't sign parts of the body, even if they're still attached.
-- From Terry's Rules of Book Signing
(Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

- "We've got a lot of experience of not having any experience"
- "But the point is... the point is... the point is we've not been
experienced for a lot longer than you."
-- Stop being so negative
(Terry Pratchett, Witches Abroad)

Many an ancient lord's last words had been, "You can't kill me because I've
got magic aaargh."
-- Magic armour is not all it's cracked up to be.
(Terry Pratchett, Interesting Times)

The person on the other side was a young woman. Very obviously a young
woman. There was no possible way that she could have been mistaken for a
young man in any language, especially Braille.
-- The goddess with the nice earrings
(Terry Pratchett, Maskerade)

“I know about people who talk about suffering for the common good. It's
never bloody them! When you hear a man shouting "Forward, brave comrades!”
you'll see he's the one behind the bloody big rock and the one wearing the
only really arrow-proof helmet!"
-- Rincewind gives a speech on politics.
(Terry Pratchett, Interesting Times)

“That's why it's always worth having a few philosophers around the place.
One minute it's all Is Truth Beauty and Is Beauty Truth, and Does A Falling
Tree in the Forest Make A Sound if There's No one There to Hear It, and
then just when you think they're going to start dribbling one of 'em says,
Incidentally, putting a thirty-foot parabolic reflector on a high place to
shoot the rays of the sun at an enemy's ships would be a very interesting
demonstration of optical principles.”
-- The many and varied advantages of philosophy
(Terry Pratchett, Small Gods)

Genua had once controlled the river mouth and taxed its traffic in a way
that couldn't be called piracy because it was done by the city government.
-- Local-body politics explained
(Terry Pratchett, Witches Abroad)

“Baths is unhygienic," Granny declared. ”You know I've never agreed with
baths. Sittin' around in your own dirt like that."
-- Taking personal hygiene to new limits
(Terry Pratchett, Witches Abroad)

“When You're Up to Your Ass in Alligators, Today Is the First Day of the
Rest of Your Life.”
-- Management slogan, Ridcully-style
(Terry Pratchett, The Last Continent)

People whose concept of ancient history is the first series of Star Trek
may be treated with patience, because it's usually not their fault they
were reduced to getting their education from school.

Well, they asked me in February, and I said it was coming out in November.
When they asked in March, I said it was coming out in November. In April I
pointed out that November, in fact, was going to be when the next book came
out. In May, when asked on many occasions about when Maskerade was coming
out, I said November. In November, it will be published. The same November
all the way through, too.
-- So Terry, when is 'Maskerade' coming out, then?
(Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

I once absend-mindedly ordered Three Mile Island dressing in a restaurant
and, with great presence of mind, they brought Thousand Island Dressing and
a bottle of chili sauce.

That seems to point up a significant difference between Europeans and
Americans. A European says: "I can't understand this, what's wrong with
me?" An American says: "I can't understand this, what's wrong with him?"

There was a thoughtful pause in the conversation as the assembled Brethren
mentally divided the universe into the deserving and the undeserving, and
put themselves on the appropriate side.
-- The Elucidated Brethren see the light
(Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!)

To get the walkthrough, you have to take the sponge from Nanny Ogg's pantry
and stick it in the ear of the troll with the tutu, then take the lumps and
put them in the pouch with the zombie's razor.

Any wizard bright enough to survive for five minutes was also bright enough
to realise that if there was any power in demonology, then it lay with the
demons. Using it for your own purposes would be like trying to beat mice to
death with a rattlesnake.
-- Why summoning demons is a Bad Idea
(Terry Pratchett, Eric)

Never trust any complicated cocktail that remainds perfectly clear until
the last ingredient goes in, and then immediately clouds.

Dickens, as you know, never got round to starting his home page.

I staggered into a Manchester bar late one night on a tour and the waitress
said "You look as if you need a Screaming Orgasm". At the time this was the
last thing on my mind...

“What shall we do?” said Twoflower.
"Panic?" said Rincewind hopefully. He always held that panic was
the best means of survival; back in the olden days, his theory went, people
faced with hungry sabretoothed tigers could be divided very simply into
those who panicked and those who stood there saying "What a magnificent
brute!" and "Here, pussy."
-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"

R. P. Tyler was not, however, satisfied simply with being vouchsafed the
difference between right and wrong. He felt it his bounden duty to tell the
-- (Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens)

“This isn't how I imagined it, chaps," said War. ”I haven't been waiting
for thousands of years just to fiddle around with bits of wire. It's not
what you'd call *dramatic*. Albrecht Duerer didn't waste his time doing
woodcuts of the Four Button-Pressers of the Apocalypse, I do know that."
-- Armageddon delayed by technical difficulties
(Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens)

“...my father is the Emperor of Klatch and my mother is a small tray of
raspberry puddings.”
-- Agnes tells Christine about herself
(Terry Pratchett, Maskerade)

A day ago the future had looked aching and desolate, and now it looked full
of surprises and terror and bad things happening to people... If she had
anything to do with it anyway.
-- Granny Weatherwax commits optimism
(Terry Pratchett, Maskerade)

You can't remember the plot of the Dr Who movie because it didn't have one,
just a lot of plot holes strung together.

It did have a lot of flashing lights, though.

Dream on. British TV Is The Best In The World is on a par with the
statement about how British Justice Is The Envy Of The World ("Hey, Miguel,
how come *we* can't convict innocent people so quickly and expensively?")

You will have to look a long way before you find a bunch of scum-suckers
more greedy, humourless and deserving of death than the suits in the music

This isn't life in the fast lane, it's life in the oncoming traffic.

An ancient proverb summed it up: when a wizard is tired of looking for
broken glass in his dinner, it ran, he is tired of life.
-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"