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pratchett quotes

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Unseen University had never admitted women, muttering something about
problems with the plumbing, but the real reason was an unspoken dread that
if women were allowed to mess around with magic they would probably be
embarrassingly good at it ...
-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"


I mean, I wouldn't pay more than a couple of quid to see me, and *I'm* me.
(alt.fan.pratchett)


And then you bit onto them, and learned once again that Cut-me-own-Throat
Dibbler could find a use for bits of an animal that the animal didn't know
it had got. Dibbler had worked out that with enough fried onions and
mustard people would eat *anything*.
-- A fact McDonalds knows about as well
(Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)


The Librarian looked out at the jolting scenery. He was sulking. This had
a lot to do with the new bright collar around his neck with the word
“PONGO” on it. Someone was going to suffer for this.
-- The Librarian travels incognito
(Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies)


FLORIDA (or FLORIDIA): A place where may be found ALLIGATORS, LONG-NECKED
TURTLES and SPACE SHUTTLES. An interesting place which is warm and wet and
there are geese. BACON, LETTUCE AND TOMATO SANDWICHES may be found here
also. A lot more interesting than many other places. The shape when seen
from the air is like a bit stuck on a bigger bit.
-- From A Scientific Encyclopedia for the Enquiring Young Nome
by Angalo de Haberdasheri
(Terry Pratchett, Wings)


It is a well known fact that warriors and wizards do not get along, because
one side considers the other side to be a collection of bloodthirsty idiots
who can't walk and think at the same time, while the other side is naturally
suspicious of a body of men who mumble a lot and wear long dresses. Oh, say
the wizards, if we're going to be like that, then, what about all those
studded collars and oiled muscles down at the Young Men's Pagan Association?
To which the heroes reply, that's a pretty good allegation from a bunch of
wimpsoes who won't go near a woman on account, can you believe it, of their
mystical power being sort of drained out. Right, say the wizards, that just
about does it, you and your leather posing pouches. Oh yeah, say the the
heroes, why don't you ...
-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"


SATELLITES: They are in SPACE and stay there by going so fast that they are
never in one place enough to fall down. TELEVISIONS are bounced off them.
They are part of SCIENCE.
-- From A Scientific Encyclopedia for the Enquiring Young Nome
by Angalo de Haberdasheri
(Terry Pratchett, Wings)


Rincewind had generally been considered by his tutors to be a natural wizard
in the same way that fish are natural mountaineers. He probably would have
been thrown out of Unseen University anyway--he couldn't remember spells and
smoking made him feel ill.
-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"


The universe, they said, depended for its operation on the balance of four
forces which they identified as charm, persuasion, uncertainty and
bloody-mindedness.
-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"


Rincewind looked down at him and grinned slowly. It was a wide, manic, and
utterly humourless rictus. It was the sort of grin that is normally
accompanied by small riverside birds wandering in and out, picking scraps
out of the teeth.
-- Terry Pratchett, "The Lure of the Wyrm"


Rincewind formed a mental picture of some strange entity living in a castle
made of teeth. It was the kind of mental picture you tried to forget.
Unsuccessfully.
-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"


“Oh, yes. The important thing about having lots of things to remember is
that you've got to go somewhere afterwards where you can remember them, you
see? You've got to stop. You haven't really been anywhere until you've got
back home. I think that's what I mean.”
-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"


“What shall we do?” said Twoflower.
"Panic?" said Rincewind hopefully. He always held that panic was
the best means of survival; back in the olden days, his theory went, people
faced with hungry sabretoothed tigers could be divided very simply into
those who panicked and those who stood there saying "What a magnificent
brute!" and "Here, pussy."
-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"


Being Ymor's right-hand man was like being gently flogged to death with
scented bootlaces.
-- Terry Pratchett, "The Colour of Magic"


Death didn't answer. He was looking at Spold in the same way as a dog looks
at a bone, only in this case things were more or less the other way around.
-- Terry Pratchett, "The Colour of Magic"


Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy, wealthy and dead.
-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"


“I assure you the thought never even crossed my mind, lord.”
"Indeed? Then if I were you I'd sue my face for slander."
-- Terry Pratchett, "The Colour of Magic"


It is well known that *things* from undesirable universes are always seeking
an entrance into this one, which is the psychic equivalent of handy for the
buses and closer to the shops.
-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"


A Thaum is the basic unit of magical strength. It has been universally
established as the amount of magic needed to create one small white pigeon
or three normal sized billiard balls.
-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"