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Watch Rincewind.

Look at him. Scrawny, like most wizards, and clad in a dark red robe on
which a few mystic sigils were embroidered in tarnished sequins. Some might
have taken him for a mere apprentice enchanter who had run away from his
master out of defiance, boredom, fear and a lingering taste for
heterosexuality. Yet around his neck was a chain bearing the bronze octagon
that marked him as an alumnus of Unseen University, the high school of magic
whose time-and-space transcendent campus is never precisely Here or There.
Graduates were usually destined for mageship at least, but Rincewind--after
an unfortunate event--had left knowing only one spell and made a living of
sorts around the town by capitalizing on an innate gift for languages. He
avoided work as a rule, but had a quickness of wit that put his
acquaintances in mind of a bright rodent.
-- Terry Pratchett, "The Colour of Magic"

Eight was also the Number of Bel-Shamharoth, which was why a sensible wizard
would never mention the number if he could avoid it. Or you'll be eight
alive, apprentices were jocularly warned. Bel-Shamharoth was especially
attracted to dabblers in magic who, by being as it were beachcombers on the
shores of the unnatural, were already half-enmeshed in his nets.
Rincewind's room number in his hall of residence had been 7a. He hadn't
been surprised.
-- Terry Pratchett, "The Sending of Eight"

An ancient proverb summed it up: when a wizard is tired of looking for
broken glass in his dinner, it ran, he is tired of life.
-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"

“Worlds only harmonica-playing dog. Tuppence.”
-- Gaspode the wonder dog
(Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

In the Beginning

It was a nice day.
-- (Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens)

“Go ahead, bake my quiche”
-- Magrat instructs the castle cook
(Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies)

“I mean are we talking Thicko City here or what?”
-- Gaspode the wonder dog
(Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

“What do people like to drink here, then?”
The landlord looked sideways at his customers, a clever trick given that
they were directly in front of him.
-- Mort goes out for a drink
(Terry Pratchett, Mort)

The thing between Death's triumphant digits was a fly from the dawn of
time. It was the fly in the primordial soup. It had bred on mammoth
turds. It wasn't a fly that bangs on window panes, it was a fly that
drills through walls.
-- Death goes fishing
(Terry Pratchett, Mort)

I WAS AT A PARTY, he added, a shade reproachfully.
-- Death is summoned by the Wizards
(Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic)

“Idiot I may be, but tied up I ain't.”
-- Gaspode the wonder dog
(Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

Of course he was all in favour of Armageddon in *general* terms.
-- (Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens)

“Let's just say that if complete and utter chaos was lightning, he'd be the
sort to stand on a hilltop in a thunderstorm wearing wet copper armour and
shouting 'All gods are bastards'.”
-- Rincewind discussing Twoflower
(Terry Pratchett, The Colour of Magic)

“They say there's dwarf mines under the Ramtops,” she said
inconsequentially. "My, but them little buggers is in for a surprise."
-- Granny reflects on Esk's methods of lighting a fire.
(Terry Pratchett, Equal Rites)

Slab: Jus' say "AarrghaarrghpleeassennononoUGH"
-- Detritus' war on drugs
(Terry Pratchett, Feet of Clay)

“One o'clock pee em! Hello, Insert Name Here!”
-- The Dis-organizer
(Terry Pratchett, Jingo)

“You like it?” he said to Mort, in pretty much the same tone of voice
people used when they said to St George, "You killed a *what*?"
-- Mort tastes scrumble for the first time
(Terry Pratchett, Mort)

“Eureka,” he said.
"Going to have a bath then?"
-- Philosophy in action
(Terry Pratchett, Small Gods)

One of the highlights of the first Good Omens tour was Neil and I walking
through New York singing Shoehorn with Teeth. Well, we'd had a good

And you don't get mugged, either.

“Seems I can't get me 'ead down these days without rescuin' people or
foilin' robbers or sunnink.”
-- It's a wonder dog's life
(Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

“How's he in the mysterious senses department?”
-- Gaspode the wonder dog
(Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

“It's going to look pretty good, then, isn't it," said War testily, ”the
One Horseman and Three Pedestrians of the Apocralypse."
-- The Four Horsemen of the Apocralypse encounter
unexpected difficulties
(Terry Pratchett, Sourcery)

“Well, 'scuse me. I was jus' tryin' to save the world.”
-- Gaspode the wonder dog
(Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

“We got a talk about it at school. There's lots of stuff most girls can't
do, but you've got to pretend they can, so that more of them will.”
-- Sexism explained
(Terry Pratchett, Only You Can Save Mankind)

Many phenomena - wars, plagues, sudden audits - have been advanced as
evidence for the hidden hand of Satan in the affairs of Man, but whenever
students of demonology get together the M25 London orbital motorway is
generally agreed to be among the top contenders for exhibit A.
-- (Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens)

I was thinking of 'duh?' in the sense of 'a sentence containing several
words more than three letters long, and possibly requiring general
knowledge or a sense of history that extends past last Tuesday, has been
used in my presense.'

Voodoo is a very interesting religion for the whole family, even those
members of it who are dead.
-- (Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens)

“Jesus won't cut you off before you're through
With him you won't never get a crossed line,
And when your bill comes it'll all be properly itemised
He's the telephone repairman on the switchboard of my life.

The phone line to the saviour's always free of interference
He's in at any hour, day or night
And when you call J-E-S-U-S you always call toll-free
He's the telephone repairman on the switchboard of my life.”

-- (Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens)

-- Dyslexic roosters are a sad sight
(Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man)

You can't make people happy by law. If you said to a bunch of average
people two hundred years ago "Would you be happy in a world where medical
care is widely available, houses are clean, the world's music and sights
and foods can be brought into your home at small cost, travelling even 100
miles is easy, childbirth is generally not fatal to mother or child, you
don't have to die of dental abcesses and you don't have to do what the
squire tells you" they'd think you were talking about the New Jerusalem and
say 'yes'.