A collection of quotes, fortunes, anecdotes, and quips. Get new quotes everyday on facebook, twitter, and tumblr.

pratchett quotes

Related Tags discworld, shlomif fav, magic, science, people, definitions, humorists, codehappy

I didn't go to university. Didn't even finish A-levels. But I have sympathy
for those who did.
(alt.fan.pratchett)


People who are rather more than six feet tall and nearly as broad across
the shoulders often have uneventful journeys. People jump out at them from
behind rocks then say things like, "Oh. Sorry. I thought you were someone
else."
-- Carrot travels to Ankh-Morpork
(Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!)


“... Percy the Pup here with a cold nose, bright eyes, glossy coat and
the brains of a stunned herring.”
-- Gaspode the wonder dog on 'Laddie'
(Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)


Something small and distant broke through the cloud layer, trailing shreds
of vapour. In the stratospheric calm the sounds of bickering came sharp and
clear.
“You said you could fly one of these things!”
"No I didn't; I just said *you* couldn't!"
-- Rincewind and Twoflower attempt broomstick flying
(Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic)


“Jesus won't cut you off before you're through
With him you won't never get a crossed line,
And when your bill comes it'll all be properly itemised
He's the telephone repairman on the switchboard of my life.

The phone line to the saviour's always free of interference
He's in at any hour, day or night
And when you call J-E-S-U-S you always call toll-free
He's the telephone repairman on the switchboard of my life.”

-- (Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens)


Oh, come *on*. Revelation was a mushroom dream that belonged in the
Apocrypha. The New Testament is basically about what happened when God got
religion.
(alt.fan.pratchett)


SQUEAK.
-- The Death of Rats
(Terry Pratchett, Small Gods)


What your soldier wants-- really, really wants -- is no-one shooting back
at him.
(alt.fan.pratchett)


REMIND ME AGAIN, he said, HOW THE LITTLE HORSE-SHAPED ONES MOVE.
-- Death on symbolic last games
(Terry Pratchett, Small Gods)


“You can't second-guess ineffability, I always say.”
-- (Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens)


He was currently wondering vaguely who Moey and Chandon were.
-- Crowley listens to his favourite rock group
(Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens)


He'd been particularly pleased with Manchester.
-- Crowley contemplating his achievements
(Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens)


He nodded to the troll which was employed by the Drum as a splatter
[footnote: Like a bouncer, but trolls use more force].
-- Nobby takes Carrot for a drink in The Mended Drum
(Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!)


“I wouldn't give it to a dog, and I *am* one.”
-- Gaspode the wonder dog
(Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)


The vermine is a small black and white relative of the lemming, found in
the cold Hublandish regions. Its skin is rare and highly valued, especially
by the vermine itself; the selfish little bastard will do anything rather
than let go of it.
-- Discworld wildlife
(Terry Pratchett, Sourcery)


“I can explain it in Dog, but you only listen in Human.”
-- Gaspode the wonder dog
(Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)


Kids! Bringing about Armageddon can be dangerous. Do not attempt it in
your home.
-- (Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens)


“You won't get away with this,” said Cutwell. He thought for a bit and
added, "Well, you will probably get away with it, but you'll feel bad about
it on your deathbed and you'll wish -- "
He stopped talking.
-- Cutwell tries to reason with the Duke of Sto Helit
(Terry Pratchett, Mort)


Consider the situation. There you are, forehead like a set of balconies,
worrying about the long-term effects of all this new 'fire' stuff on the
environment, you're being chased and eaten by most of the planet's large
animals, and suddenly tiny versions of one of the worst of them wanders
into the cave and starts to purr.
-- Why humans like cats
(Terry Pratchett, The Unadulterated Cat)


“My house is your house”, his brow suddenly furrowed and he looked worried,
"although only in a metaphorical sense, you understand, because I would
not, much as I always admired your straightforward approach, and indeed
your forthright stance, actually *give* you my house, it being the only
house I have, and therefore the term is being extended in an, as it were,
gratuitous fashion --"
Owlglass was clearly having some trouble getting to the end of the sentence.
-- Carpet philosophers at work
(Terry Pratchett, The Carpet People)


“'E's fighting in there!” he stuttered, grabbing the captain's arm.
"All by himself?" said the captain.
"No, with everyone!" shouted Nobby, hopping from one foot to the other.
-- Making Friends and Hitting People
(Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!)


“Have another drink, not-Corporal Nobby?” said Sergeant Colon unsteadily.
"I do not mind if I do, not-Sgt Colon," said Nobby.
-- The joys of working undercover
(Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!)


“Walk a mile on these paws and call me a liar.”
-- Gaspode the wonder dog
(Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)


Voodoo is a very interesting religion for the whole family, even those
members of it who are dead.
-- (Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens)


It was possibly the most circumspect advance in the history of military
manoeuvres, right down at the bottom end of the scale that things like the
Charge of the Light Brigade are at the top of.
-- The City Watch takes action
(Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!)


“Could have bin worse, mister. I could have said 'miaow'.”
-- Our hero meets Gaspode the wonder dog
(Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)


Madame Tracy had even removed most of the Major Arcana from her Tarot card
pack, because their appearance tended to upset people.
-- (Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens)


DROP THE SCYTHE, AND TURN AROUND SLOWLY.
-- Dirty Death
(Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man)


- I USHERED SOULS INTO THE NEXT WORLD. I WAS THE GRAVE OF ALL HOPE. I
WAS THE ULTIMATE REALITY. I WAS THE ASSASSIN AGAINST WHOM NO LOCK
WOULD HOLD.
- "Yes, point taken, but do you have any particular skills?"
-- Death consults a job broker
(Terry Pratchett, Mort)


The kraken stirs. And ten billion sushi dinners cry out for vengeance.
-- (Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens)