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pratchett quotes

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The kraken stirs. And ten billion sushi dinners cry out for vengeance.
-- (Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens)


Madame Tracy had even removed most of the Major Arcana from her Tarot card
pack, because their appearance tended to upset people.
-- (Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens)


I DON'T CARE WHAT IT SAYS, said the tall biker in the helmet, I NEVER LAID
A FINGER ON HIM.
-- (Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens)


Thud. Thud. Thud. Splat.
-- (Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens)


“Reflected-sound-of-underground-spirits?”
-- Economics explained
(Terry Pratchett, The Colour of Magic)


She wanted a HOLIDAY in Australia, she said, and if I turned it into work
she'd hit me -- so I gave in, because I did not want to be beaten about the
Bush.
(alt.fan.pratchett)


If I *heeded* all the advice I've had over the years, I've have written 18
books about Rincewind.
(alt.fan.pratchett)


“This is Lord Mountjoy Quickfang Winterforth IV, the hottest dragon in the
city. It could burn your head clean off.”
-- Captain Vimes addresses a band of rioters
(Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!)


Have a bit more patience with newbies. Of course some of them act dumb --
they're often *students*, for heaven's sake.
(alt.fan.pratchett)


The net software here did its meltdown trick again at the weekend (it
happens about once every six months -- if only everything was as reliable
as WordPerfect 4.2, which only chews up a novel about once every two or
three years...)
(alt.fan.pratchett)


I'd like to stand up for the rights of people who put everything on their
burger -- chutney, mustard, pickle, mustard pickle, tomato sauce... It is
common knowledge in my family that I can't tell the difference between a
veggie burger and a meat one, because the ratio of burger to pickles is so
high.
(alt.fan.pratchett)


I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, he said, BUT I COULD MURDER A CURRY.
-- Death addresses his new apprentice
(Terry Pratchett, Mort)


“You're dead,” he said. Keli waited. She couldn't think of any suitable
reply. "I'm not" lacked a certain style, while "Is it serious?" seemed
somehow too frivolous.
-- Princess Keli in trouble
(Terry Pratchett, Mort)


Ankh-Morpork had dallied with many forms of government and had ended up
with that form of democracy known as One Man, One Vote. The Patrician was
the Man; he had the Vote.
-- Discworld politics explained
(Terry Pratchett, Mort)


- I USHERED SOULS INTO THE NEXT WORLD. I WAS THE GRAVE OF ALL HOPE. I
WAS THE ULTIMATE REALITY. I WAS THE ASSASSIN AGAINST WHOM NO LOCK
WOULD HOLD.
- "Yes, point taken, but do you have any particular skills?"
-- Death consults a job broker
(Terry Pratchett, Mort)


- "Sodomy non sapiens," said Albert under his breath.
- "What does that mean?"
- "Means I'm buggered if I know."
-- Mort and Albert are facing a problem
(Terry Pratchett, Mort)


Mort isn't fashionable UK movie material -- there's no parts in it for Hugh
or Emma, it's not set it Sheffield, and no one shoves drugs up their bum...
(alt.fan.pratchett)


Too many people want to *have written*.
(alt.fan.pratchett)


DW is based on a slew of old myths, which reach their most 'refined' form
in Hindu mythology, which in turn of course derived from the original Star
Trek episode 'Planet of Wobbly Rocks where the Security Guard Got Shot'.
(alt.fan.pratchett)


Eight years involved with the nuclear industry have taught me that when
nothing can possible go wrong and every avenue has been covered, *then* is
the time to buy a house on the next continent.
(alt.fan.pratchett)


“There is nothing that can be in our way, for this is Jekub, that Laughs at
Barriers, and says brrm-brrm.”
-- From the Book Of Nome, Jekub, Chap. 3, v. V
(Terry Pratchett, Diggers)


“Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time.”
-- Bursar 1 - Hex 0
(Terry Pratchett, Hogfather)


- "What is it that a man may call the greatest things in life?"
- "Hot water, good dentishtry and shoft lavatory paper."
-- Cohen the Barbarian in conversation with Discworld nomads
(Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic)


“Shut up and tell me what that other idiot ish doing!”
"No, but look, if I've got to shut up, how can I --"
The knife at his throat became a hot streak of pain and Rincewind decided
to give logic a miss.
-- Cohen the Barbarian interrogates Rincewind
(Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic)


The librarian was, ex officio, a member of the college council. No-one had
been able to find any rule about orang-utans being barred, although they
had surreptiously looked very hard for one.
-- Unseen University politics at work
(Terry Pratchett, Eric)


I HOPE WE ARE NOT GOING TO HAVE ANY OF THIS 'FOUL FIEND' BUSINESS AGAIN.
-- Death gets summoned by the college council
(Terry Pratchett, Eric)


There had been some desultory talk about putting up a statue to Rincewind
but, by the curious alchemy that tends to apply in these sensitive issues,
this quickly became a plaque, then a note on the Roll of Honour, and
finally a motion of censure for being improperly dressed.
-- Unseen University politics at work
(Terry Pratchett, Eric)


You know what I'd really, really like? What I'd pay MONEY for? A ZX81 with
a disc drive. I *understood* the ZX81. It was so easy to interface stuff to
it.
(alt.fan.pratchett)


Not only did I wipe Lemmings from my hard disc, I overwrote it so's I
couldn't get it back.
(alt.fan.pratchett)


It's a metaphor of human bloody existence, a dragon. And if that wasn't bad
enough, it's also a bloody great hot flying thing.
-- Captain Vimes ponders his problems
(Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!)