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pratchett quotes

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- "What shall I do?"
- "Well, if you see anything crawl out of the sea and try to breathe,
you could try telling it not to bother."
-- Rincewind and Eric at the Beginning of Time
(Terry Pratchett, Eric)


“Multiple exclamation marks," he went on, shaking his head, ”are a sure
sign of a diseased mind."
-- Something that Terry feels strongly about, because a similar
quote also appears in "Reaper Man"
(Terry Pratchett, Eric)


Along with the standard computer warranty agreement which said that if the
machine 1) didn't work, 2) didn't do what the expensive advertisement said,
3) electrocuted the immediate neighbourhood, 4) and in fact failed entirely
to be inside the expensive box when you opened it, this was expressly,
absolutely, implicitly and in no event the fault or responsibility of the
manufacturer, that the purchaser should consider himself lucky to be
allowed to give his money to the manufacturer, and that any attempt to
treat what had just been paid for as the purchaser's own property would
result in the attentions of serious men with menacing briefcases and very
thin watches.
-- (Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens)


Crowley had been extremely impressed with the warranties offered by the
computer industry, and had in fact sent a bundle Below to the department
that drew up the Immortal Soul agreements, with a yellow memo form attached
just saying: "Learn, guys."
-- Crowley is a demon, in case you don't know
(Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens)


I found while driving in Wyoming that wearing a stetson and driving a
beat-up pickup meant you could go as fast as you like, while the police
picked up Californian winnebagos that went one mph over 55. After all, they
wanted to *bring* money into the state, not merely circulate it.
(alt.fan.pratchett)


AFPer: Incidentally, do you have strong opinions about the meanings of
“alternate" and "alternative”?

TP: Yes. I think that pedants should be alternately ignored and flamed,
unless there is a better alternative.
-- (Terry Pratchett and an AFPer, alt.fan.pratchett)


“I don't see why it matters what is written. Not when it's about people.
It can always be crossed out.”
-- (Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens)


Remember, A Dragon is For Life, Not Just for Hogswatchnight
-- Motto of The Sunshine Home for Sick Dragons in Morphic Street,
Please Leave Donations of Coal by Side Door.
(Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies)


“This is a lovely party," said the Bursar to a chair, "I wish I was here.”
-- The Bursar is a man under a *lot* of stress
(Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies)


Sister Mary headed through the night-time hospital with the Adversary,
Destroyer of Kings, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, Great Beast that is called
Dragon, Prince of This World, Father of Lies, Spawn of Satan and Lord of
Darkness safely in her arms. She found a bassinet and laid him down in it.
He gurgled. She gave him a tickle.
-- The antichrist is born
(Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens)


Mr Young hadn't had to quiet a screaming baby for years. He'd never been
much good at it to start with. He'd always respected Sir Winston Churchill,
and patting small versions of him on the bottom had always seemed
ungracious.
-- (Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens)


The ducks in St James's Park are so used to being fed bread by secret
agents meeting clandestinely that they have developed their own Pavlovian
reaction. Put a St James's Park duck in a laboratory cage and show it a
picture of two men -- one usually wearing a coat with a fur collar, the
other something sombre with a scarf -- and it'll look up expectantly.
-- (Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens)


A man threw himself through the window, a knife between his teeth, a
Kalashnikov automatic rifle in one hand, a grenade in the other. "I glaim
gis oteg in der gaing og der --" he paused. He tooke the knife out of his
teeth and began again.
-- (Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens)


... walking like a man carrying a thermos flask of something that might
cause, if he dropped it or even thought about dropping it, the sort of
explosion that impels grey-beards to make statements like "And where this
crater is now, once stood the city of Wah-Shing-Ton", in SF B-movies.
-- Crowley gets out the Holy Water
(Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens)


Somewhere around the place I've got an unfinished short story about
Schrodinger's Dog; it was mostly moaning about all the attention the cat
was getting.
(alt.fan.pratchett)


Granny's remedies, made from simple, honest, and generally nearly poisonous
herbs and roots, were amazing things. After one dose of stomache-ache
jollop, you made sure you never complained of stomach ache ever again. In
its way, it was a sort of cure.
-- No, not that Granny. The other one.
(Terry Pratchett, Truckers)


- "Do you know, humans think the world was made by a sort of big human?"
- "Get away?"
- "It took a week."
- "I expect it had some help, then,' said Dorcas.
-- The Nomes discuss religion
(Terry Pratchett, Diggers)


I do note with interest that old women in my books become young women on
the covers... this is discrimination against the chronologically gifted.
(alt.fan.pratchett)


Botswana is also the only country in the world with a colour in its flag
meant to represent rain (a sort of blue-grey). Not many people know this.
(alt.fan.pratchett)


1) I have never waved a hankie in anger
2) I do not peronally know any Morris dancers
3) But Morris dancing is kind of funny and weird at the same time.
(alt.fan.pratchett)


There are *no* inconsistencies in the Discworld books; ocassionally, however,
there are alternate pasts.
(alt.fan.pratchett)


One day I'll be dead and THEN you'll all be sorry.
(alt.fan.pratchett)


Any town built by filling a mud hole with sawdust and proudly having a slug
as a sort of civic totem is a town, one feels, where Rincewind would feel
right at home.
-- Terry looks forward to his visit to Seattle, USA.
(Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)


Somehow, trying to get Granny Weatherwax and 'panty raid' into the same
sentence is beyond me.
(alt.fan.pratchett)


I'm sure we can arrange an academic scholarship for Detritus. Troll
cheerleaers would be nice: 'Two... four.... er.. many... lots'.
(alt.fan.pratchett)


I stroll along, talk, I sign books, people buy me drinks, I forget where my
hotel is, I get lost and fall into some local body of water... done it
hundreds of times.
-- Going to a convention is fun!
(Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)


I've always thought the Patrician is a party animal. Can you imagine
waking up next day and remembering all those witty things you said and did,
and then realising that he was listening?
(alt.fan.pratchett)


I don't think I've ever been critical of the money Douglas Adams makes,
especially since, as has been tactfully pointed out, I myself have had to
change banks having filled the first one up.
(alt.fan.pratchett)


“I believe it's very hard to have fun in Iceland without fish being
involved in some way.”
-- Looking for a good place to party
(Terry Pratchett, Johnny and the Dead)


Oh dear, I'm feeling political today. It's just that it's dawned on me that
'zero tolerance' only seems to mean putting extra police in poor, run-down
areas, and not in the Stock Exchange.
(alt.fan.pratchett)