stephen wright quotes

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't
you see the stop sign." I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I
read."
-- Stephen Wright

I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.
I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen
some of it...
-- Stephen Wright

Sponges grow in the ocean... that *kills* me. I wonder how much deeper
they'd be if that didn't happen.
-- Stephen Wright

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it wasn't doing
what I was doing.
-- Stephen Wright

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really
notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
-- Stephen Wright

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had
any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
-- Stephen Wright

"24-hour banking? I haven't got time for that."
-- Stephen Wright

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends
with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
-- Stephen Wright

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know
what to feed it.
-- Stephen Wright

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
-- Stephen Wright

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency
Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?
-- Stephen Wright

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had
a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."
-- Stephen Wright

When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother,
but he didn't obey.
-- Stephen Wright

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything
specifically.
-- Stephen Wright

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins.
Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.
-- Stephen Wright

All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night. I
was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
-- Stephen Wright

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to
Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
-- Stephen Wright

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when
I get pulled over the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying
to see it clearly]... and says "Here, you can go."
-- Stephen Wright

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on
doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they
make erector sets out of play-dough.
-- Stephen Wright

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
-- Stephen Wright